Best Zombie Jokes - Funniest Walking Dead Jokes

Below is my list of favorite zombie - walking dead jokes. Yes, many of them are bad.

The baby zombie asked her mother “Mommy, do I have daddy’s eyes?” The mother zombie said “Yes you do. Now eat them before they get cold!”

A lawyer, cheerleader, and a zombie walk into a bar…
A few hours later, the lawyer, cheerleader, and zombie walk back out of the bar.
How did the lawyer and cheerleader survive?
Zombies only eat people with brains.

Q: Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
A: Because the jokes he told where rotten.

Q: What's a zombies favorite bean?
A: A human-bean.

Q: Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
A: He didn't have the GUTS!

Q: Why don't zombies eat comedians?
A: They taste FUNNY!

Q: What is the safest place to be in a zombie apocalypse?
A: The living room.

Q: Where do zombies eat dinner?
A: The LIVING room!

Q: What did the zombie order at the club?
A: A shot of To-KILL-Ya!

Q: What would "The Walking Dead" be called if it was written by George Lucas?
A: Scab Wars.

Q: Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
A: He had NO LEG to STAND ON!

Q: What's a zombies favorite desert?
A: I-Scream!

Q: Did you hear about the vegan Zombie?
A: He went to the insane asylum and only ate the vegetables!

Q: What is a zombie's favorite mode of transportation?
A: SCAREplanes!

Q: How can you tell when a Zombie is sick?
A: By their coffin.

Q: What do you get when you cross a zombie with a snowman?
A: FrostBITE!

Q: What do you call an extremely well dressed Zombie?
A: Dressed to kill.

Q: What do you call a zombie pollster?
A: A DEAD ringer!

Q: What do vegetarian zombies crave?
A: GRAAAINS.....

Q: Why can you always find a zombie at Subway?
A: Because they like to "Eat Flesh".

Q: What is the highest form of compliment you can give a Zombie?
A: You look to be in grave condition.

Q: Why did the zombie do good on the test?
A: Because it was a no brainier!

Q: Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
A: He kept BUTTERING up his teacher!

Q: What is a zombie's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel

Q: What do you call a bee that never dies?
A: A zomBEE!

Q: What do zombies say before a fight?
A: Do you want a PIECE of me?

Q: What do you call zombies that can't run?
A: The Walking Dead

Q: How did the zombie treat every day of death?
A: Like he was LIVING!

Q: What do zombies do at a wedding?
A: Toast the bride and groom.

Q: What time do zombies wake up?
A: At ATE o'clock!

Q: Why did the zombie go crazy?
A: He had lost his mind!

Q: How do zombies keep their hair in place?
 A: With SCARE spray!

Q: Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
A: No, they eat the fingers separately

Q: What type of dogs do zombies like to eat?
A: BLOODhounds!

Q: How do zombies serve their country?
A: In the Marine CORPSE!

When, Why, & How I write my Zombie Novel, THE ENRAGED

The Walking Dead - Zombie Novel written by Ty Wilde

I often get asked questions like when do I find the time to write, why do I write and how I do it? This post will answer those questions.
The truth is, sometimes I feel like a zombie. It's been more than six years in the making of this novel. When the idea came to me to write this story, I made the decision that I would wake up every day at 5:00 am and work on my zombie novel, The Enraged. Why? Because I am a husband and a father of four precious daughters, first. I didn't want my children to wonder why I couldn't go out an play with them because I was typing away at my computer. So, once they wake up, the writing stops and I turn my focus to them. I knew this would slow down my project, but the release date isn't bigger than my responsibility as a daddy. When the kids are off at school or for some other reason the house falls quiet again, I'll jump back in to my office and re-enter the world of The Walking Dead. Funny, even though it doesn't compare to the beauty of my home life, it's still fun to slide back into my world of the apocalypse.
Why? Because I have to. If you've never had a magnificent story inside you, then you probably can't understand the unrelenting burning in your chest that won't stop until you get the story out. Then over time you grow to know and love the characters you've created, as if they were real... because they are. They are living, people with hopes and dreams that have just been dashed against the rocks. Even though I pretty much wrote the story beginning to end, the day it came to me so long ago, I sometime fear one of my beloved characters, friends will be slaughtered by a zombie. Just like in real life, it can happen at any time and to any one.
How? Persistence. I've worked hard to set the habit of waking up early each morning at 5:00 and hyper focusing on  my novel. I've read more than a dozen books and  relentlessly researched, The Walking Dead, Zombies, Survival, and human reaction to dire situations.
I'd say that I'm more that qualified to call myself a Zombiologist.

How my Zombie Apocolypse Novel "The Enraged" was born.

I'm often asked how I came up with the idea for my novel, "The Enraged". Today I'll share with you how it all began. First I need to give credit to my talented and artistic brother Dave Wilde for planting the seed. I can't remember exactly when it happened, I'm guessing it was seven or eight years ago, when he told me he was writing a zombie novel. He had just read an apocalyptic novel and the ending had rubbed him wrong. He decided he'd write his own. Being a person who loves to write, I was excited for him.
Then, this crazy thing happened, my mind EXPLODED. It was like nothing I had never experienced before, or since to be honest. Like a part of my brain that had been dormant my entire life suddenly awakened and started to fire on all cylinders. It was incredible... magical.
I kept thinking about his novel which prompted me to call him on several occasions. "Hey, Dave, I have a great idea for your book..."
But, the more I called him the stronger my feeling grew that my ideas didn't jive with the book he was writing. No hard feelings, he wanted to write his own story. Being the incredible caring person that he is, he politely kept telling me that he'd consider the idea, but I knew that once we hung up, my suggestions would die.
Still, I couldn't stop thinking about it. The ideas kept flowing to the front of my brain, dominating all other thoughts. It was all I could think about. Then an idea, struck me like lighting, as if God himself force it into my mind.
WRITE YOUR OWN BOOK!!!
The thought was so loud in my head that I knew that I never sleep again if I didn't write my own story.
My mind turned to my beautiful wife. I deeply revere and admire her. Mentally, morally, spiritually, and physically, she is the strongest person I know. I wondered, what would happen to her if she found herself in a suddenly crumbling world, being chased and attacked by infected humans? I believe that in a world of zombies or any apocalyptic situation, my wife would not only survive, she would thrive, surprising herself with her resourcefulness and inner strength. Shay Donovan was born, though I didn't have a name for her yet.
I immediately started pounding on the keyboard relentlessly for more than four hours. I wrote the basic story start to finish in just over 20,000 words. I would describe the feeling of when the idea hit me as frantic almost like if I stopped typing, I would forget something important, or even worse, where the story was going.
When I finally hit the end, I sat back thinking about what to name my future novel. I wrote down several ideas before calling my buddy Clint to bounce them off him. First I told him the story and we talked about it for an hour or so. By the end of our conversation, I had set the name for my novel, "The Enraged". One of the interesting things to me is that I thought it would end up being one book. I knew 20,000 words wasn't enough, but I had left out many descriptions and details.
As it sits now, the series will end up being three, possibly even four books.
A few days after my initial writing, I had the thought that if I was going to base my main character off my wife, she should be the one to name her. She came up with the name, Shay. The name was perfect!
And now, after years of waking up at 5:00 am to hone my craft and write my story, "The Enraged" is ready to be presented to the masses. May the world be ripe and ready to eat my novel up.

Release for my novel is set for September 2017.

Author Immages

Picking the image you're going to show to the world for your author page is something that stresses me out a little, especially as the release of my newest novel, "The Enraged" quickly approaches. Do you have fun with it, do you go professional, or just find a picture where you're chillin'? Below are the images I have to choose from or there's another option... I could go take some more pictures. I happen to have a great photographer near by. Here's what I have. I'd love to hear your feed back.

 This image is from the cover of my book, "Everything I Touch Turns to SOLD" It's a good professional picture. I'm thinking that maybe this would be the wrong picture to use since it's from the cover of my sales book.

This picture is from my trip to Oahu, Hawaii. It's a little more relaxed. I kind of like it in black and white, but once again, I'm not sure if this is the right picture to use.

Then there's this image. It's the one I use for my work, New Home Sales stuff. My business cards, price sheet and etc. It's also the most recent picture of me.

I could just have fun with it and do something like this. OR...

I could just go full Zombie, looking like something from The Walking Dead. LOL. Maybe not. 

Either way, I'd love to hear your opinions.

Book cover design change

One of the hardest parts of writing a novel is when someone doesn't like what you've created. Recently I attended a writers conference where several professionals gave me advice that I need to change the book cover. The first book cover you see below is my original creation. I spent hours with help from my wife creating something that I thought worked great. Unfortunately too many people disagreed and we had to make a change. Fortunately for me, at the same writers conference, I bought a bunch of raffle tickets and won a free book cover design from Nick Zelinger. At the bottom of the page you'll see the updated book cover for my first novel, The Enraged, to be released sometime in the Summer of 2017.

Official book cover design for the novel, "The Enraged"
written by Ty Wilde.

Author Immages

Picking the image you're going to show to the world for your author page is something that stresses me out a little, especially as the release of my newest novel, "The Enraged" quickly approaches. Do you have fun with it, do you go professional, or just find a picture where you're chillin'? Below are the images I have to choose from or there's another option... I could go take some more pictures. I happen to have a great photographer near by. Here's what I have. I'd love to hear your feed back.

 This image is from the cover of my book, "Everything I Touch Turns to SOLD" It's a good professional picture. I'm thinking that maybe this would be the wrong picture to use since it's from the cover of my sales book.

This picture is from my trip to Oahu, Hawaii. It's a little more relaxed. I kind of like it in black and white, but once again, I'm not sure if this is the right picture to use.

Then there's this image. It's the one I use for my work, New Home Sales stuff. My business cards, price sheet and etc. It's also the most recent picture of me.

I could just have fun with it and do something like this. OR...

I could just go full Zombie, looking like something from The Walking Dead. LOL. Maybe not. 

Either way, I'd love to hear your opinions.

Book Cover for "THE ENRAGED" - Sign up to be a VIP

Preparing for publishing. I spent some time with my designer over the last few days making final tweaks to the book cover. We love this one because it almost looks like a movie poster. Over the next week or so, we'll finalize the spine and the back of the book as well. Check out our website, theenraged.com to read chapter one for FREE and sign up to become a VIP today!

Become a VIP...

After nearly 5 years of hard work, I'm thrilled to announce that my novel, "The Enraged" will soon be released (Sept. 2015). I've created a VIP list on my website theenraged.com where you can go to sign up!

There are many advantages to being a VIP.

#1 You'll be the first to receive updates

#2 Only VIP's will be eligible for many prizes & giveaways 

#3 You'll be given priority to RARE/Limited print copies of my novel, "The Enraged"

I would really appreciate your support in helping me spread the word.

The Enraged is a fast moving story about a young mom, named Shay Donovan who is separated from her family during an outbreak where hundreds of millions have become infected. Shay is in a fight for her life as the Enraged One's devour the world around her. Soccer mom turns killer in a fight for her life, holding onto the slim hope that she can find her family, if they are still alive.

The Enraged is written for men, women and young adults as the story bounces back and forth between Shay and her family as they desperately search for each other. Shay is your normal everyday stay at home mom who hates violence, but she knows that if she is to survive she's going to have to fight. Shay is physically, mentally, morally and spiritually strong and that's why this novel is perfect for women and young women trying to find their identity or just wanting to read a good adventure.

Read chapter 1 for FREE on my website

Ty Wilde - Author of "The Enraged"

Writers Confrences

I've spent the last month attending 2 different writers conferences. One in Las Vegas, NV. and the other in Denver, CO. I've learned a lot about writing, publishing, book cover design & MARKETING! My target date to release my novel is September 1, 2015 and I'm realizing there is a crazy amount of marketing that goes into this process. The good news is that my novel has received high praise at both writers conferences and with the beta readers.  It's hard to bring attention to your novel even with a large budget, but I believe that the cream rises to the top. If my novel is as good as everyone is saying it is, it will only be a matter of time before it starts getting the recognition it deserves. My website in 97% done at this point. Check it out @ theenraged.com and click on the link to become a VIP.

"The Enraged" is going to FINAL EDIT. Book #2 commences today!

I'm preparing to send "The Enraged to the editor for FINAL EDIT.  This means that today I'll be starting on Book #2 of The Enraged series most likely to be called, "THE FLOOD" but I kind of like "EXTERMINATION".  I guess we'll have to worry about the name later. Book #2 starts off with a huge surprise which I of course won't tell you now.  What I will tell you is that Shay will find herself alone at some point and she will be pushed to her limits. Thanks for your support everyone.  Now the fun begins!

Changes to Chapter 1 (Shout out to test readers)

The last few days I've been Re-working Chapter 1 of my novel thanks to one of my test readers, Gabe Kelley (an old college roommate).  He gave me huge props for what he's read thus far, but found a few holes in the story that he thought I should fix/add more detail.  I also wanted to thank my other test reader for the influence they've had on my story.  I have the ability to come up with great stories, but many times leave out some details.  Thanks first of all, my wife Chelsie, Shalease Boarden, Amy Wilde, Courtney Lennberg, Clint Larsen, Jeff Morgan and all the rest of you. There has been many and I can't possibly name you all but I appreciate you more than you know.  Anyway, the new and improved Chapter 1 is written below.  I'd love to hear what you think and I'd love it even more if you'd follow my novel on facebook at https://www.facebook.com/TheEnraged2013

1.  NEARLY DEAD

            Rushing water filled her mouth, and splashed into her eyes as she pushed away - slithering out from beneath a monstrous, water-logged corpse.  As she stood up, her white tank top suctioned to her ribs exposing her cheetah-like features.  Normally her lithe, athletic physique earned her a second glance from men and jealous stares from women.  It was hard for many to believe that she was the mother of three. 

            Shay coughed water from her lungs and blinked the water from her eyes as she glanced at the throbbing wound on her shoulder.  The blood was flowing freely from the distinctly human bite mark which added a thick crimson streak to her already stained white tank top. 
The venom from the bite burned her skin like acid and the flesh immediately around the wound blackened.  She could feel the venoms assault as it began coursing through her blood stream like starved piranhas.

As bad as the wound was, she couldn’t allow herself to worry about it until she was out of immediate danger. She saw motion from the corner of her eye and turned to see a second beast shuffling through the ankle deep water toward her.  He looked putrid as blackened skin peeled from his once human face exposing raw, bloodied muscle and ghost white bone beneath.  Shay was exhausted and the temptation to dispatch this new threat with her pistol was nearly overwhelming.  But she knew that if she pulled the trigger, she’d be surrounded by hundreds of enraged, flesh-eating monsters again. 

Goosebumps rose on her exposed skin and her heart pounded as the vile man rushed toward her.  The saliva dripped from his rotting teeth as he opened his mouth open wide in anticipation.  Fueled by unimaginable rage and hunger, the creature wanted to eat her alive.  Shay flipped the pistol around so the barrel rested in her palm.  As the monster approached, she could only see darkness and death in his eyes––it was clear his soul had long since left his body.  Shay raised the pistol over her shoulder and swung across her body, meeting the beast’s final desperate lunge head on.  The impact shattered the teeth from his jaw and they flew through the air in a bloody eruption.  The creature went down hard, but managed to grab her shirt as he fell, pulling her into the stream on top of him.  Shay straddled his torso and without hesitation, placed her right hand on his throat, digging her nails in to keep her hand from slipping off of his slimy flesh and constraining him against the pebbled creek bed.  The decaying man grabbed at her as she repeatedly hit him in the head with the gun’s handle.  Blood spattered her face and arms as his skull caved in.  The decaying man stopped moving and she knew he would never bite again.

Covered in gore, Shay squared her shoulders and steeled herself for the next threat.  She raked the shimmering strands of half brown, half bleach blond hair from her face with chipped and grime crusted fingernails noting how long overdue she was for a trip to the salon.  She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time at the ridiculousness of the stray thought, but her emotions gave way to white hot anger as she contemplated the injustice of all she had lost in just a few short months.

How long would you last in a Zombie Apocalypse? Take the quiz.

Click on this link to see what you get... http://bit.ly/1ondYYJ

My results...
You'll survive 6 months.
You're solid but would survive better on a team (Who wouldn't). You're level headed and resourceful, so fill the gaps in your expertise with a pact of co-operation.

How will you do???

How to Kill a ZOMBIE

How to Kill a Zombie

I found this funny zombie image on the internet this morning and had to post it.  I don't know, maybe it's not funny... it's actually pretty gross.

Friday the 13th Full Moon! Won't happen again until 2014

Here's a fun fact for all you superstitious freaks... The full moon will reach will reach it's fullest point at 12:11 a.m. tonight (June 13th, 2014)  This is a rare occurrence that won't happen again for a whopping 35 years - Aug 13th 2049. The last time we had a full moon on a Friday the 13th was in October of 2000. 

I don't know about y'all, but I'm going Zombie hunting tonight. If you're friends with the Walking Dead - ie "Warm Bodies" tell your little living dead friends to stay out of Utah or they're going down.  If I see any werewolves, I'll take them out too.  Unless one of them is Jacob Black.  I'm kind of partial to that one lol.